So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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