Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
