you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
