It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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