Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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