the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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