It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
