thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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