Apparently you make a good broom.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
