I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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