I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
