Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
wat bout pragnant strippers??
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
