Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
