We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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