fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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