I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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