First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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