I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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