things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
