she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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