I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
