i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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