Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
