umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
