@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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