the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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