I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
