"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am one with the molecules
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