I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
