Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize