I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
