I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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