Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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