i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
