either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
