Just cropdusted the office
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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