FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
