stop calling my apartment porn island.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
