I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
