I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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