I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
