wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
