i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize