i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
