I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
