they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
the liver wants what the liver wants
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
