So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
