I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
