I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
