if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
