the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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