The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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