I wish I could teleport
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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