he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
