I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
