His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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