Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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