Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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