his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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