A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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