I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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