Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
