i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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